LAKE STEVENS, Wash. — Sexual abuse of children is more prevalent than most people realize. One in four girls and 1 in 6 boys will experience some sort of sexual abuse by the age of 18, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
In Snohomish County alone last year, 1,540 children were molested.
Those numbers are widely believed to be low.
Lake Stevens police Detectives Kristen Parnell and Phillip Bassett are making it their life’s work to stop the abuse.
They run a program called “Protecting Our Children,” using interviews with convicted child molesters to give parents a look into how they think and act. KING 5 also sat down with a convicted sex offender to learn more about what parents need to know.
Personal impact of child sexual abuse
For 20 years, Gina Viveros-Rocha carried a soul-crushing secret. She was being sexually abused, starting at the age of 5.
“It was one of things where I didn’t realize it was wrong until it was too late,” Viveros-Rocha said.
Viveros-Rocha said her abuser started by gaining her trust. He normalized touching an adult, which eventually led to sexual contact.
As she grew older and more suspicious, the abuser started to control her using guilt and shame.
“It would’ve been so easy to say something then, but I just couldn’t,” said Viveros-Rocha, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I felt such shame and I carry it to this day. I can barely look in a mirror.”
Viveros-Rocha is a sadly typical story. She and her family were manipulated and groomed by the molester.
“You get the fear that no one is going to believe you,” Viveros-Rocha said.
Grooming of victims
“That’s part of the grooming process is getting them to trust you and rely on you,” Sam said in a videotaped conversation.
His conversation and others used in a training curriculum come from a 1990s-era video called Truth, Lies and Sex Offenders.
In it, perpetrators share the ways they try to manipulate parents and innocent children.
“You say the things that people want to hear,” said one man, flatly. “Things that you would like to hear. You exercise that sympathy.”
“The more nervous you can make (the children), the more it makes it seem like they’re lying,” a smiling man named Wayne said.
The video is dated but the information is fresh and powerful. The curriculum is put together by the Center for Behavioral Intervention in Beaverton, Oregon, and looks to lay bare the reality of child molestation in America.
“Our job is not to cause undue alarm," Bassett said. "Our job is to ring the alarm bell and say this is happening. Pay attention."
Among the myths, according to Bassett, is that most molesters are strangers laying in wait for an unsuspecting victim.
“A child molester is going to be someone you know," Bassett said. "A coach, a teacher an uncle, that second cousin. It’s going to be someone that you trust, that your child trusts."
In other words, the person most likely to molest your children is a person you readily give access to them. More than 90% of abusers are people the victims know.
Because of those relationships, experts said most children stay silent.
They don’t act out.
Staying vigilant to protect your kids
Most parents wouldn’t suspect anything was wrong -- until they look a little closer at a hug that lasts too long or the child always spending time with a particular adult.
Parnell said it’s up to parents to be vigilant.
“You can expect the child to come to you,” Parnell said. “When you see behavior that would be odd for another person, but you want to give someone grace because they ‘would never harm’ your kid, don’t do that. Be aware of it and question it because that’s how they get away with it.”
Parnell said the bottom line for parents is, if it does not feel right, it probably is not.
“I’d rather report someone, lose a relationship and be wrong than to not say anything and see my child hurt," Parnell said.
What a sex offender says parents should know
A convicted Level 3 sex offender from King County we're calling “Dave” agreed to speak with KING 5 under the condition of anonymity to protect himself.
Police also want to keep his identity concealed to keep from further traumatizing his victims.
“I wanted to do this because I’m sure a lot of parents have things they look out for, but hearing it from a different perspective might enlighten things,” “Dave” said.
He explained sex offenders do what they do because "nothing else really matters other than getting what you want. It’s definitely easier to take advantage of kids.”
Experts believe, despite the common belief, only 30% of convicted child molesters were abused themselves.
For some reason, some people are simply attracted sexually to children.
Dave said winning the trust of a child is key. At first, it’s as simple as providing a little attention.
“Kids are more susceptible to receiving compliments,” he said. “If you’re bullied or don’t have many friends, if somebody gives you attention -- no matter where it’s from or even if it’s someone you don’t know -- it feels good so you’ll probably lean into it more.”
If the child tries to break away, then comes the manipulation.
“I think it moves from manipulation into force, physical force threats, extortion -- anything to get what they originally wanted,” Dave said. “If an adult is talking to a child, I can’t think of one reason why it would be positive.”
Finally sharing her story
Viveros-Rocha called her molester “the monster I knew.”
She’s now courageously telling her story publicly for the first time – after 20 years of constant abuse. She addressed a group of people attending a recent “Protecting Our Children” seminar in Lake Stevens.
“I would say my inner child is scared of having this out there,” Viveros-Rocha said. “This man took advantage of my trust.”
That man, the “monster” she knew, was Viveros-Rocha's father. He is serving a 47-year sentence and will likely die in prison.
“I hope when he looks in the mirror he sees me and remembers what he has done,” said Viveros-Rocha, sobbing as she told her story.
Viveros-Rocha just turned 30 years old. She’s happily married and is grateful for all the support she has received.
After a lifetime filled with abuse, her sentence is finally over.
“I’m living for the child that didn’t get to live,” Viveros-Rocha said, a smile finally breaking across her face. “That’s what kinda keeps me up and going.”
But the tears soon return. This time though, they are tears of relief.
“People need at least to know they’re not alone,” Viveros-Rocha said. “They can leave and people are still gonna love them.”
Resources for parents and survivors of child sexual abuse
If you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or the child abuse hotline at 1-866-ENDHARM (363-4276).
Darkness to Light, a leading child sexual abuse prevention agency, has medical and legal resources for victims, as well as resources for offender treatment. Read their Washington state-specific guide here.
The Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs has local resources for parents, caregivers and survivors of child sexual abuse, including prevention tips and support.
Lake Stevens Police Department says anyone interested in attending or hosting a workshop with our Investigations Unit can call them at 425-622-9401 for more information.